How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Shut The F@&! Up

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After reading  all of the advice for sleep-deprived parents on the entire internet,  it seems that all I need to do to feel better is to eat nuts, drink all of the water, do yoga and sleep when the baby sleeps.

All I drink is coffee, yoga is not my style, my baby is a monster and never sleeps, and the only nuts I consume are in my coffee creamer so I decided to come up with my own list.

1. Just so you know, you are probably going to get fat, have heart disease, anxiety and depression. There, now you don’t have to waste time googling the effects of sleep-deprivation at 4am. You’re welcome.

2. View sleep as a luxury not a necessity. This way any amount of sleep you get, you will feel like you won the lottery!

3. DO NOT go out in public if you have been up all night. There are people out there and you may have to engage with them. If you do decide to go out… make sure to wear sunglasses (the bigger the better) this way you don’t have to make eye contact with anyone, which makes it a little harder for them to try to talk to you.

4. TRY to remember you are not a bad parent. Being sleep-deprived can sometimes make your parenting less than perfect but try not to worry. You are not a bad mom for feeding the children dino nuggets for the fourth night this week. It will not scar them for life to watch Trolls on repeat and you will not burn in hell if you bribe them with cookies.

5. You are not going to actually DIE from lack of sleep. Some days it may feel like you have ‘hit the wall’ and can’t go on but you WILL survive; just like you did yesterday and the day before that.

6. TREAT YOURSELF. I am not sure why drowning your sorrows and comfort by eating get such bad press because I find a little well-deserved glass of wine or chocolate bar (or two)  once the baby is asleep helps make the bedtime routine a little more bearable.

7. NEVER look at the clock in the middle of the night. You will just feel the need to add up how much sleep time you have left and then lie awake worrying about not getting enough sleep. Just go back to sleep and hope for the best.

8. DO NOT do anything until you have had a LARGE cup of coffee (or 2)  It may have to be reheated several times before you finish it – but it will be so worth it.

9. FORGET multi-tasking. Do not attempt to do more than one thing at a time. I promise it will stress you out 10x more than you already were. I currently have three half written blogs, two email drafts, half of the kitchen mopped and I have been doing the same load of laundry for a week now.

10. Maintain a healthy diet. By healthy, I mean food. By diet, I mean remember to eat.

11. Instead of beating yourself up about all the things you should have done, commend yourself for all the brilliant things you have done. Such as: washing your hair, not having a mental break down and keeping a baby alive all day long.

12. Do not take ANY advice from anything you read on the Internet ever. Especially, stuff written by a severely sleep-deprived mom who is an expert on absolutely nothing.

This is now your life being exhausted, over caffeinated, and on the verge of tears 24/7. It is the craziest and most rewarding thing you will ever do. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride mama.


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Written by Whitney Rowley